Recovery to Mormonism
Offenses
Mormons believe that the gospel of the Mormon Church is completely true and perfect, but very few Mormons actually think themselves perfect for believing it. The gospel is an ideal Mormons try to live by, but it is easy to make mistakes that can be very offensive to others. Whether by a simple slip of the tongue or by ill-intended meanness, Mormons, like everyone else, can sometimes be very unkind. Everyone occasionally loses a temper, has a bad day, or just feels angry and takes it out on someone who does not deserve it.
There are many instances in which a member of the Mormon Church has said something truly offensive to another, but that person’s comments do not represent the feeling of the church or the feelings of God toward that person.
A Mormon woman from Virginia had an experience in which someone had offended her, but whether it was intentional or unintentional, she let it go:
“I recall a painful incident many years ago when I had two of my children, one a toddler and the other an infant, with me during Relief Society [a Mormon women’s meeting]. At one point in the meeting my baby needed my attention, and the toddler, too young for [the] nursery, became jealous. He started pestering and then hitting me. I felt frustrated but tried to deal with him quietly.
“A few days later the bishop spoke with me privately. One of the [women] in Relief Society had come to him, concerned because I wasn’t controlling my children properly, and had cited the previous incident.
“My face turned red, and my heart pounded. How dare she! I thought. What right does she have to judge me? If she didn’t like what was going on, why didn’t she offer to help? Mentally I went on and on. I didn’t know who the complainer was, but my mind searched for someone to blame. I pictured various people who might have been the cause of my embarrassment and then concluded, If that’s how they feel, I just won’t go to Relief Society.
“I soon recognized Satan’s tool for what it was and remembered a statement I myself had repeated to others: ‘The Church is true, even if the members sometimes make mistakes.’ Although my embarrassment and resentment lingered for a few weeks, I didn’t miss any Relief Society meetings” (Denise Turner, “‘If Any Man Offend Not’,” Ensign, Aug 1998, 46).
It is easy to be upset over legitimate offenses, but these offenses are small compared to the blessings and goodness found in the Mormon Church, especially in attending meetings. A bishop of a ward in Norway gave the following analogy:
“You have saved your money for many years and have made many sacrifices in order to purchase an expensive luxury car. . . . As you are driving your new car home, you are interrupted by a thump-thump-thump. You pull over to the side of the road and discover that you have a flat tire. ‘I can’t believe this car!’ you exclaim as you slam the door. ‘I spent all that money on it—and for what?’ Without a moment’s hesitation, you pull a can of gasoline from the trunk, douse the car, and ignite it. The luxury car with the flat tire is obliterated in a ball of fire. Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? Who would destroy a fine car because of one minor problem? Yet how many of us have allowed a relationship we have nurtured for years to go “up in flames” because of one careless remark? Or how many of us have forgone church activity because someone has offended us? Chances are that . . . we will be offended by someone sooner or later” (Perry M. Christensen, “That Ye Not Be Offended,” Ensign, Mar 1991, 16).
The Mormon Church teaches Mormons to be kind and patient, but for some people these are never personal strengths. Like anyone trying to be good, Mormon or otherwise, Mormons are not perfect. These offenses can be hurtful, and ideally Mormons should act in a way that represents the perfection of Christ and of the gospel, but God does not control the members of his church, and they can act as they will. For any who think that Mormons are all the same, like programmed robots, this should be proof to the contrary. Mormons are never controlled by the Mormon Church, only by themselves; if they choose to be unkind, they are not restrained. This freedom of agency is important.
Each Mormon in the church is at a different level of spiritual development. Like a smoker trying to quit smoking, people with a habit of making rude comments often fail on their path to quitting this habit. No Mormon will be just like the others: some will be extremely kind and welcoming, some will be shy, some will be boisterous and friendly, and unfortunately, some will be offensive sometimes.
Some are offended when they are asked to change behaviors or are reproved for a mistake. This is often referred to as being “offended by the word of God.” It is completely normal to be uncomfortable when habits and behaviors are called into question, but these types of offenses are meant to motivate us toward positive change. They are not done in a mean spirit, but with the intent to help. It is hard for anyone to hear about something they are doing wrong, but if they never know about it, they can never fix it.
These reproofs, however, can also be done by mistake. Again, no Mormon is perfect, and sometimes good intentions can lead to offense. If you receive correction from someone, it is important to make sure that their advice is in line with the Mormon doctrine. For instance, if someone were to chastise a newly married woman for not having children right away, their reproof does not line up with the doctrine of the church—only husbands and wives, with the help of God, can make decisions about when or how often to have children. In these cases, it is best to kindly ignore the advice.
In spite of the imperfections of Mormons, Mormonism is true. There are real blessings for attending church meetings and socializing with the imperfect members. They are trying to be kind, just like you, and you are imperfect, just like them. In the title page of the Book of Mormon, Joseph Smith writes, “if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God.”
Many leaders of the Mormon Church have said that it is a choice to be offended. When someone does something unkind or that can be seen as disrespectful, hurtful, or insensitive, each person has a choice to either get what good they can of the comment, ignore it, or become offended or angry. By taking offense instead of forgiving, a person can miss out on the blessings of church attendance. To those who were “less active” in the Mormon Church because of something someone said that was offensive, Elder David A. Bednar, an apostle of the Mormon Church, said the following:
“Let me make sure I understand what has happened to you. Because someone at church offended you, you have not been blessed by the ordinance of the sacrament. You have withdrawn yourself from the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. . . . You have cut yourself off from priesthood ordinances and the holy temple. You have discontinued your opportunity to serve others and to learn and grow” (David A. Bednar, “And Nothing Shall Offend Them,” Ensign, Nov 2006, 89–92).
The blessings of going to church are too much to miss out on just because someone said something rude.